I don’t often write personal reflections, but running across the above quote got me thinking about my nearly 70-year journey on Earth (I mean, where else would I journey?) which, looking back, could raise questions about my sense of direction and/or my choices of alternate routes. It has been, if nothing else, a McCartney-like long and winding road, although my primary goals have remained fairly fixed.
The choice to walk alone is sometimes made for us, like so many other things. The choice, then, becomes one to either walk, or to don’t walk. You’re alone either way. For whatever reason I have always been a walker, although that contradicts some other elements of my personality. I have a feeling that there are a great many other conflicted walkers out there. But perhaps it is the conflict–the desire to be at rest but the inability to rest–which drives us to walk. I do know that there are those who are more content, but alas–I am not one of those.
Tell me about your childhood…
As I think back, I find that my earliest heroes were those who chose–or were chosen–to walk alone. Martin Luther was a big influence for me; I loved how he stood alone against the errors of the Church and birthed a new movement. I can actually remember telling my parents that one day I would start my own church movement. I didn’t quite, but Luther is still one of my (flawed) heroes in spite of coming to think he was wrong about a few things. And growing up attending Sunday School back when they taught Bible stories, my heroes included people like David, Daniel, and Samuel.
Choosing heroes that stood alone may have come from spending so much of my time alone; I grew up in the country, often spending hours alone on a tractor in the middle of a dirt field, and didn’t have a lot of close friends. I was not a part of any crowd, even when I was in a crowd. Even though I participated in various school and church group activities such as band and choir, I only began to feel accepted when I stopped trying to become part of a crowd and focused on just being myself, for better or for worse. Being yourself has its ups and downs, as I’m sure you all know. And for better or for worse, you’re stuck with yourself so we might as well all get used to it.
You Can Go Your Own Way
My theological journey has likewise been a solo endeavor in the midst of a group pilgrimage. It was not unheard of for someone in my crowd to wonder if I was in fact “saved.” For many years I existed in the midst of the evangelical world while maintaining my commitment to an essential Lutheranness (LCA, for those who care). Those of you who understand the inherent theological conflicts will also understand my situation. Needless to say, this dissonance occasionally tended to disrupt traffic patterns with those I traveled with.
You could ask why I chose to travel such a road, and to that I have no reason other than that is where my relationships took me. This was during the “Jesus Movement” period, so the lines had become somewhat blurry, and at the time I was not that theologically sophisticated. I attended an Evangelical Covenant Bible College, and spent time in a variety of other denominations that friends belonged to, and at times avoided churches altogether. By the time my wife and I were married, I was serving on the board of an Evangelical Free Church. After that, it all gets a bit hazy and a bit of PCSD (post church stress disorder) prevents me from revisiting that history.
Carry On My Wayward Son
There were two “hinge” events (a term used by historian Thomas Cahill to describe points in time where history turned) in my life that reinforced my sense of direction and commitment to my path. The first was meeting a theologian whom I and my evangelical friends had great respect for. After a spirited discussion with a couple of us about some very evangelical doctrine (I don’t recall specifically what it was), he could tell I wasn’t enamored with the party line and when we were alone he asked what my background was. When I told him I was raised Lutheran, he encouraged me to hold to my beliefs as they rested on a firmer foundation than did evangelicalism. For the first time in ages, I felt secure in what I believed, and I’ve held on to that for well over 4 decades now.
The second hinge event was moving to San Diego and meeting pastor and author Ken Blue. I had just spent a year or more being subjected to various “alternative” gospels (see Galatians 1:8) and was looking for a clear path through that theological swamp. Ken’s sermon series Foundations in Grace was the beacon of light that I needed. With Ken’s cooperation, I eventually turned that series into the book The Gospel Uncensored, which is an excellent book. You should buy a copy.
I Walk Alone
I believe that we all should walk alone, at least to some extent. Following a crowd (or being swept along in the midst of one) is dangerous business. Bottom line, you are responsible for each step that you take, whether you specifically choose that step or follow it blindly. It’s your choice either way.
I wrote Unboxing God in part because I wanted to help people decide for themselves what patch to take, and to show them that there are other–and perhaps better–paths than those being taken by the madding, suffocating crowds. Many of us sit in our churches or in our groups of friends, inwardly screaming because we do not feel in sync with the group mentality. To use an overused phrase, we are not “on the same page.” After a while I came to realize that not only was I not on the same page as those around me, I didn’t even believe their page existed. Or, perhaps more accurately, they didn’t believe my page existed. Whether we realize it or not, this creates a sense of dissonance that will slowly cause us to fissure.
Follow Your Road
If you’re one of those people who have no such sense of dissonance, who are quite happy with the guided patch that you’re on, then this post is perhaps not for you. I’m not talking to everyone, except to emphasize that wherever you choose to go, it’s your choice. Don’t walk blind.
However, should you be finding yourself uncomfortable with certain turns the crowd is taking, perhaps it’s time to take a breather and consider why that is. There are often many variables to consider, and different ways to deal with the dissonance. There are always choices, and when it comes down to it, it’s up to you to find your road, whether remaining within a crowd, or branching out on your own. Each choice brings its own challenges, but if you find the right one, you will find that you’re much more comfortable with yourself.
